T for Tempest

An Indian way of offering to a demised loved one. The bars on the photo is a reflection of light and intended to indicate trapped feeling.

 

What to do, Ma? I am trapped. I am trapped in my own mind. I am trapped in my own body.

What do I tell you, Ma? Happiness eludes me wherever I go, whatever I do.

How do I tell you, Ma? The bars that life has put me in is not visible to the naked eye.

There is so much to tell you, Ma. But I don’t have the words to express it.

I wish I could tell you, Ma. I wish you could see what I am going through everyday. But then, I think it is better that you don’t see it. You will not be able to bear it.

You tried to talk to me, Ma. You tried to make me tell you my troubles. But some things are not said, it is just felt. And those feelings hurt much more deeply than words could ever express.

You tried to get didi* and dad to intervene, Ma. But you do not realise, if I cannot talk to you, how can I talk to them? I am closer to you than to them.

You wanted to share my pain, Ma. But how could I do that to you? I love you so much and I cannot bear to make you go through the turmoil that I am going through every day.

I know it hurt you when I tried to end it the first time, Ma. But believe me, I tried everything else and failed. Nothing else was working for me. Nothing was bringing me joy, nothing was giving me happiness.

You made me promise never to do it again, Ma. But some promises are better broken than fulfilled for the eventual peace.

I see you silently cry to sleep every night, Ma. But I used to cry more when I was alive. Now my eyes are dry and my heart is light.

I wish I was alive to wipe away those tears, Ma. But then you would have had to see my tears. Then you would never have been happy.

I know you are hurting, Ma. But please understand that I was hurting too. The pain that coursed through my body everyday was much more than what I could bear.

I pray that you find solace, Ma. I will always be with you, but this time, I will be happier.

Ma, I was never happy living the life that I was living. It is not for the lack of anything from you, but because of the unhappiness in my own mind. My own troubles were keeping me away from joy and peace.

Ma, remember me in the happier times and let go of everything else.

Ma, understand and believe that I am happy now and find peace in thinking about that.

Ma, now I can be a better son to you than I could have been if I was alive.

Ma, please be happy. Because I am happy, now. Finally!

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*Didi – a way of addressing elder sister in Hindi (an Indian language)

Disclaimer – this post is dedicated to a cousin who lost their son last year to suicide. Everything written here is a imagined conversation from him to them. I am not claiming to know anything about what goes on in the minds of suicide victims. My heart goes out to their families for the pain and lack of closure that they suffer. I do not wish to hurt anyone’s sentiments. I just hope to bring some closure to my loved ones with this post and by sharing it, hope someone else also gets some closure through it.